Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Guest post never happened huh. I guess I was afraid of what they might say about me or us these last few months! It's defiantly been different. When your 12 year old says mom we can all tell your depressed or your 7 year old says your mean mom and that's defiantly what any mom wants to hear especially this one! So here's your guest post....the guest is me the woman who has overtaken my body, my words, my actions, and my smile! Some people can't see that this isn't me but those who truly know me and love me see through the smile! I can say I'm ok just like the best of them but deep down I'm not. I'm angry at loosing my job, bitter because I thought that was my purpose, jealous that everyone's still living and I sit here all day by myself feeling sorry for me, and outraged because nothing seems to make sense! This all might sound selfish because I've got a loving husband, 2 perfect children, and we are healthy and alive! Why would I selfishly allow this to happen to be eaten alive by darkness! Anyone who knows me knows i am fixer,I try and fix everyone around me but reality is I need to fix me! Don't really even know where to start on fixing me except on my face and this happens a lot! But of course somedays all I can say is why god why! What am I supposed to be learning from this? What is this supposed to teach me? It's unbelievable to think this is all really happening and as I serve in the youth group and speak life into so many people! Can they see this isn't me this isn't who I wanna be? Last week a dear friend came over and said look you need to stop sitting here feeling sorry for yourself get out and make a difference like you were made to do! It's easier to type this than to make it happen! This morning was one of my worst mornings why who knows nothings any different than any other day! Except this morning I started reciving text from people who know the real me and dont like the hurting me. Even a text as simple as love you made me stop and think I'm making a difference. A few of the text really stepped on my toes like no one knows about my life right now not even me because I've shut almost everyone out. Defiantly stuff that needed to be said just hard to hear. Then there were others that said put a smile on and walk proudly into that office and show them the teacher that everyone admires for not letting your values change you because everyone said it should! Everyone needs you Jess time to put on your big girl panties and move on.I am beyond blessed with family and friends who will pull me through this who love me for me even in my darkest days. Praying that I start seeing the light and being the light again to those around me! I saw this quote and found it very fitting "I don't need you to fix me, I need you to love me while I fix myself"

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I am going to do guest post for the next few days. Its time to get my husband and kids involved in this crazy life we live. Cant wait to see what they have to share with everyone. Stay tuned......

Almost 2 months into this stay at home momma thing. I am getting used to and actually enjoy the quiet mornings alone. I am aware of me more than I have been in quiet sometime. I had lost the real me. Do you know what I am talking about. I had become everyone's everything but somehow lost ME. As I look back and realize this was all Gods plan to help me find the real me its amazing how his timing is perfect. But without such wonderful caring friends and family I wouldn't even be anywhere close to where I am today. They help me daily by lifting me up and keep it real with me. I am defiantly ready and in serious need of a job financially for our family but must say these days are precious and the Lord knew exactly what I needed. Even in my darkest days of sobbing in my closet floor I know he has never and will never leave me. Overwhelmed in his goodness and mercy that fall on me each and every day in this new journey.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Lets back up to November when my life took a major detour. Lets see actually back up to this past summer. We became a family of 5 most days that is. We opened our home to one of my students. She became part of our family. She was a blessing and a joy to have in our home. Unfortunately once I was told my job was for sure secure my anxiety about this decision was over the roof. She had until January at school with me and I was going to have to pretend she wasn't living with me or honestly that I didn't know her/love her like my own. Turns out I didn't have to do any of that because someone in the community didn't like my intentions and brought it to my principals attention and practically everyone in the county office also. Needless to say I was told to move her out and have no contact with her or if I did I could loss my job. Lets be honest is this possible tell a child whom your family considers family that she has to leave with nothing not even texting.....I did what I was told and felt horrible for the situation and craziness I lead my family and this child into. So weeks after I was being eaten alive literally with worry, anxiety, and honestly with being told what I can do in my own home. September, October, and November all came we did see our other daughter she continued to come to church where she had became involved over the summer. School wasn't the same I couldn't figure it out until many quiet mornings in my house alone after November 21.I was told not to care, not to be known as the school momma, and absolutely no outside communication with my students. I did exactly that, didn't like it one bit. Until eventually the house she had moved to didn't work out and she came back to live with us. I felt like I was breaking every law and living in chaos. I was trying to be the person I knew I was supposed to be but pretending to be someone else. School wasn't the same the kids even announced several times Mrs Caudle your different I of course couldn't let them know I was told to be different. I would just smile and do my thing as quietly as I possibly could. Eventually I did something I swore I wouldn't ever do again.....yes you got it "adopted" another boy at school. He made me become MRS CAUDLE with a purpose again the Mrs Caudle the kids were used to the smile, hugger, love them all crazy lady I had been in the previous years. Lets just say he could see something different in me. One day he asked where I went to church and I of course told him and invited him. With a big smile he said me and my girlfriend are going to come Sunday. They did indeed come that Sunday and I was so thankful for him being able to see Jesus in me. The following Thursday I was called in the office once again being questioned as to my intentions and if he had indeed been with me to church. Also I reminded NO outside communication from the previous conversation. As I was told I was no longer an employee of Davidson County Schools the past 3 1/2 years flashed before my eyes... the countless smiles, the kids lives that had touched me way more than I could've ever imagined, the lessons I learned, the children who I was proud to call mine, the kids who wouldn't have walked across the stage at graduation without me calling and texting, the friendships, the tears and prayers I prayed over so many of these kids. As I gathered my things and walked out the door November 21 I walked out a changed woman, the naive lady who walked in Extended Day walked out braver, stronger, proud, exhausted, educated, excited, blessed, crazy, thankful, and determined that I had indeed made a difference. Guess I can say you never know where this life will take you. But in my case the detours that can change who you are. Its been different and hard lots of days. Many people have asked me would I change anything I did? Absolutely would NOT change one thing I did. Thankful for losing my job for caring and loving people to much. Its been wonderful having a house full of my students and knowing Gods plan is far greater than mine. All my love to all my past and current kids. Mrs Caudle

Monday, November 18, 2013

A little more catching up!! August Schools back in and we are all back in the groove. Grace is at the middle school shew this momma is still not over that. Open House I remembered where everything was can you say memory lane. Will is in second grade this was a very rough year for me. First day went great except for Will being left at school and I will have to say this scared him a little. PawPaw Vernon took a turn for the worst and passed away with my sweet granny singing Amazing Grace in his hospital room. Oh did I mention a few short days before his passing we went to visit with him and he told me the sweetest news. He said I got saved can you say lots of precious tears and joy around that hospital bed. Funerals seem to be so unreal and happening so often that my children they seem numb to death almost like its supposed to be happening without a blink of an eye. August is come and gone back to schedules, alarm clocks, oh and this crazy life I live. September Back in the swing of things. School is going good for Miss Grace and Will seems to be struggling a little. Lots of fun on the weekends running kids here there and everywhere. Mom Court and I enjoyed a breakfast date just the 3 of us. I have to say its nice to talk, laugh, and enjoy the Boone ladies alone once in a while. Football games and cool nights fall here we come. October came and went in a hurry. Can not believe we have our sixth annual Halloween Bash. Every year I question my insanity for doing this. Will climbed in bed with me the morning of the halloween party with the sweetest smile and said today is our party right mom. Yes Will today is our party and once again I am reminded by his sweet smile and sweet short words why I do all I do. Being a momma is exhausting especially the momma of a teenage (well she thinks she is) daughter. I question so many times am I doing the right thing, am I to hard on her, am I making her as crazy as I am? Praying she is seeing the side of me that she needs to see and I am being the influence she will remember when she is raising her own teenage daughter. Heres to being a MOMMA!

Has it really been six months since I sat down and blogged. I have missed you all terribly. So lets get started... June school is out for SUMMER. I desperately needed a break along with Grace and Will. Burnt out would be how I would describe those last few weeks. We decided to scrape together enough money to join Trindale pool. We enjoyed many many days of our summer vacation there. Grace finished 6th grade with another fantastic year she is so smart like her mother heheheh although I am so sad she is officially a middle schooler. Will had a wonderful 1st grade year with one of the sweetest women I know teaching and loving him daily. June 10 always a rough day. I miss my sweet dad more and more but something about this bittersweet day makes it even harder. I left school arriving home to an empty house and a locked garage door. So I decided to go on to the cemetery to catch up dad on my crazy life. As I got out in the rain I thought about how silly I must look standing in the rain crying and talking out loud to my dads grave. It was therapy I must say, to bad I cant hear him say its ok sis everything is going to be ok just one more time. He would be so proud of my beautiful, smart, sassy girl who is more and more like me everyday and my baby boy who has the most caring heart of any child I have ever seen. My baby sister got married yes friends you read this right. Courtney and Matthew became one and we are excited as they start their journey together. June was a tragic month landing my great aunt and uncle both in a nursing home. After a tragic accident left her unable to care for herself or my great uncle who was just diagnosed with brain cancer. I am not a fan of nursing homes and after 1 visit I decided I wouldn’t go back. Mom who holds everything and everyone together in our family decided to go on a once in a lifetime vacation and so out of the country she went. As she was having the time of her life the worst of course happened her uncle who was like a second dad to her passed away. Everyday as she calls to tell us of all the fun she was having I just avoided the questions and didn’t mention a word of the tragedy here at home. Mimi is back and man we missed her but now I get to tell her another man she loved dearly has passed away. Of course mom stepped up and became her fearless in charge self and we all survived the first of 2 deaths this summer. July vacation blessed by our great friends once again we went to stay in their condo at the beach for July 4th week. Mimi went with us for a few days although with her came the rain it was a RAINY summer. Blessed to enjoy a vacation that wouldn’t have happened without their generosity. July 11 my 34 birthday I still feel like I am teenager how can I be 34. I heard from my adopted boys ALL of them. Even my boy who had was in rehab to better himself. It was so good to hear from him even though he had to tell me he would be going to rehab in Arizona for 60 days. Shocked and excited for him blesses my heart to see one of my kids bettering themselves. After a trip the airport lots of tears he was on his way to Arizona. My birthday was just another day although I did get my first Michael Kohrs purse from my sweet momma and treated to lunch at one of my fav places with my kids and mom of course.CAMP Awake blessed by another God filled with so many wonderful teenagers. God was present and his presence was so evident in the worship and even in my speaking yes I had to teach with the help of the other women leaders one night and guess what I survived. Grace went to camp this year and she was a trooper. Being a momma and a camp leader was a little different but she prevailed as always what a strong woman I am raising. Couldn’t be more proud to be a part of FSM. Graces birthday my baby is 12 WHAT how is she twelve. A week full of celebrating sleepovers, pool parties, and oh of course her iphone. Thrilled would be a understatement and we haven’t seen much of her since. July was wrapping up when my grandpa whose health had been declining for weeks took a turn for the worse and ended up in the hospital. Visits were sweet with him and he defiantly made some great memories with my babies in the hospital. Amazing how God uses the last days if someones life to make such sweet memories. August Happy Anniversary to us. 14 years holy moly we are getting old or fav is at least. Marriage is defiantly something that takes both people being honest, real, and ready for anything. I am blessed with a man who not only gets better looking the older (we) get but with a man who seems to love me more and more each day. Thankful for my FAV. He is everything I dreamed of in a husband and more importantly in a daddy to our 2 precious children. Love him with all my heart for 16 years SHEW he has seen me in the good, the bad, the ugly, and even the ugliest. Bus training yes friends I can drive a bus. WOW yeah I agree kinda shocking but I am pretty good if I say so myself. 3 days before teachers are supposed to be back at work.....I find out I do indeed still have my job at DCHS. Relieved that I do indeed have a job we will not have to starve and my purpose and passion for these kids can continue. Go GOD. Prayers work people prayers work. This summer was a summer like all the rest. Lots of pool, outside, beach, friends, memories, and love. Although looking back I see that I wasn’t myself. We all have dark times in our lives and this summer I was barely hanging on to a glimmer of light. Somedays I just felt like I was no good to anyone. On edge, irratable, sad......No reason other than the devil telling me lies about our finances or me being a momma that isn’t doing a very good job, or just the little whispers of his lies. But guess what its now November and even though I don’t always have great days I am beginning to see a little more than a glimmer. I have learned life is full of seasons. We all know seasons come and go and this is the same in our own lives.Heres to a new season. Welcome back to this CRAZY LIFE hopefully we can catch up a little more frequently.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Three years ago yesterday my daddy passed away. The years do not get easier. I cried all afternoon. I went by to visit my dad yesterday. I wonder what people thought when they rode by as I stood in the rain and cried at his grave. I just needed him to hug me, tell me everything will be ok, and he is so proud of me one more time. Thank You dad for leaving me with so many precious memories so many reminders of you. I love you and I am forever your girl. Your smile in this picture is worth a thousand words. LOVE YOU Sis.